Always in This Twilight

"A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes

I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind"

-Florence + Machine, Cosmic Love

            It was a finer  mess of things. A pleasant arrangement of chaos. A movement of stars through the contrails and slowly without a rough to form their chronic constellations. And it caught my attention. How do they align themselves when they are light years away from each other? Who guides them in the midst of darkness in the cosmic space? Who decides when they should align and when not to? Does it hurt every time they fall? And in the first place, why do they shoot themselves from the sky when there is no one to catch them beneath?

            I was once someone who dared to defy the gravity. Falling into something and expecting to rise. Loved someone the way astronomers love the stars, the way the meteors collide, and the way a nebula breaks from a big bang. Somehow, my body metamorphosed  into a cosmos. My heart blazed like the sun and breathed life like the Earth. My bones becomes the orbit that holds the shattered pieces of myself in place.

            It all had me confused as to why something so beautiful could be compared to a mayhem mortal like me, something disarray? And the thought of this crushed me into a millions of stars. My words turned into dust and the air I breathed out turned into a gas that formed vapor trails. My tears fell through the sky like comets and my heart drifted into thousands of light years away. A universe that turned into a riot and unholy mess. The simple physics of collision. An elastic collision that when we collide, we both bounce --bounce away, out into our own separate and opposite ways.

”The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out

You left me in the dark

No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight

In the shadow of your heart

And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat

I tried to find the sound

But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness,

So darkness I became."

            When it came for us to fall, I took a step closer to the edge and get ready. But you took a step back, unsure, confused. I wavered on whether or not to grasp you hand but then I jumped into the unknown. You were supposed to fall with me. We were supposed to fall together. You left me at the edge falling alone, falling for you alone, falling with something that wasn't falling with me.

            Some time after midnight, I feel this sudden ache and I lay there wondering if you're aching for me too. I still see you around places, or things that remind me of you whenever you're not. I still can write your name over and over again until it lost its meaning. But my pen will continue even after the paper shatters and even after I have given up. You and me but never us. A complicated series of almost interaction

            And I wonder in such instances where I can' t help but to feel butterflies and lost at the same time. It's beautiful and it's tragic. The madness was kept under my bed outlasting thousand of sleepless nights. Blanket wrapped thoughts tucked safely underneath the metaphors.

            But then, my breath still stopped short in my chest and beat again like it always has. I can still see the speed of light through the glass and eventually fade in my eyes. The way my heart echoes between pulses and the way it drums in every throbs. My fingers seems to trace again the constellations with the raindrops on my window and I can't help but to begin searching again in the sky for a sign.

            It must be the way I guess. To think of you and dream aloud when there are no more dreams left along the void of stardust. But I know, to be with you  is to feel the universe align itself again. It is lovingly painful but strangely beautiful.

"I took the stars from my eyes, and then I made a map

And knew that somehow I could find my way back

Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too

So I stayed in the darkness with you."